So much sadness

On Friday when Brent called and asked if I had heard of the shootings I had to log onto the computer since I don't watch the news here.  Little minds who don't nap would see and hear too much.  I went into Norah's room while the kids were playing and cried my eyes out.  It was hard watching the VT shooting unfold - at my school, a place I love so much. It was even harder this time.  I have a 6 year old who goes to a public elementary school. It could very well be my child - his school.  I had a hard time waiting for my boy to come home off the bus.  And with tears in my eyes I watched him walk off the bus, try to outrun the 5th grader that lives on the street over from us, and then with a beaming face run towards Joel and I. When they hugged, all I could think of was what would Joel do and how would we tell him if something happened to his beloved Bubba.

I'm not afraid to send him to school.  And I told Brent that it surprised me that my first instinct wasn't to want to pull him out of school and finally just homeschool him like I want.  I want him in school  Things like that can happen anywhere. There is no doubt in my mind that my sweet boy wouldve been telling everyone about Jesus and heaven while hiding in a bathroom with his classroom. Ever since my grandpa died Colin talks about heaven all the time with just a sense of awe that I wish I had.  I can paint a picture of heaven for him but honestly part of me doesnt have the faith that my son has.  In fact he wants to die in July.  He told me the other day and I have to admit part of me immediately was fearful and my prayer right then was "Lord, not until he's old and gray."

I still vividly remember the first week of March of my seventh grade year when my teacher was shot in a freak accident at school. I still think of that every time I drive by the school.  And I have only been in the 7-11 next to the school once and almost had a panic attack when I was in college (the shooter robbed the 7-11 right before) So we've decided not to tell him anything.  And wait and see what he hears at school.  We went back and forth all weekend and after lots of praying what we decided. We will see when he comes home if it was the right decision but for one more day at least his innocence was protected. 

It was hard to drop him off at school yesterday morning. Not because I am afraid to send him to school, its just remembering all those parents who did the same thing only to have this nightmare unfold. I always pray with Colin before he jumps out of the car each morning.  Yesterday I prayed extra long for him and then sent him on his way.  He kissed me, hopped out, and then walked down the sidewalk and did what he does almost every morning, turned around and blew me a kiss.  And I sobbed the whole way home.  I can't imagine what those families are going through and pray I never have to experience it.  My heart aches for those mothers who long to hold their children, the siblings who have lost their best friends, and especially for those children who were there at the school and lived through it all.  Its a nightmare that they will relive the rest of their lives.

He came home all smiles and got all three stickers in PE and learned all about mistletoe.  No mention of the shootings and for that I'm grateful.  If it was mentioned then it went over his head.  He will learn of it soon enough when he's older.  But for now school is still a safe place and a fun place for him to go to. 

There is a sadness dropping him off at school.  I noticed it today - the parents are all smiles and joy when they are with their kids but the moment the kids leave them and go into the school there is a deep sadness that I wish didnt have to be there.  But its there and at least for us, our children are coming home to us today.  My heart breaks for those families who wont get to watch their children bounce off the school bus today.  And I hope and pray that I never ever take that for granted again. 

I read this blog this morning and think it describes what I can't put into words